It was late night when I got back home from work. I unlocked the door, moved slowly, tiptoeing into the house silently lest I wake up Nisha and little Dhruv.

As I sat down to eat, the phone rang. I reached out for my cell absentmindedly least expecting it from my mom who lived in India.

Ravi...

Yes mom...

Your dad suffered a massive heart attack and the doctors say the chances of survival are bleak...

You could hear a pin drop in the silence that followed, and then my mom spoke:

Aren’t you coming down?

I will mom. I can’t leave you this way. I will book my ticket and call you back. Take care mom

My eyes went to the plate of steamed rice and fried vegetables.

I went about having my dinner, devoid of any pain.

I gave a call to my mom the moment we landed in Hyderabad.

My uncle answered and said,” Your dad expired last night...

We have to cremate him before sunset so just head towards the graveyard.

The scent of death hung heavily in the air.

I couldn’t wait to see my mom. I drew in a sharp breath when I caught a glimpse of her. She was sitting in one corner. She looked so frail. Her eyes apeared pale and sunken; the skin over her cheekbones was thin and lined.

I found it hard to swallow past the lump that formed in my throat.

I walked over to her and gently sat down. Without speaking a single word, she pulled me towards her and hugged me tightly, the fiercest hug I ever felt, and then she sobbed out loud....

I waited until the lump in my throat softened enough to allow me to speak. ....

Mom, Are you ok.

She nodded in the affirmative.

You came, she whispered, her voice filled with emotion. I’m glad you did Ravi.

Then she held my hand and slowly led me towards the coffin.

A feeling of dread closed around me as I passively followed my mom. I just wanted to get away. The dead don't come back to life again, I told myself repeatedly, as I went to have a final glimpse of my dad. ..The dead don't come back to life...

I was in for a shock when I saw him. He looked so serene, so peaceful, so very unlike him. I just couldn’t believe it was him.

The priest, who was small and bowed, said a small prayer before nailing the coffin...

Oh Almighty God, Please forgive him for his sins. May God give his family strength to come through these difficult times. The words became increasingly blurred....I could only think of the first sentence….

Yes, I wish God forgives my dad. He was a sinner...a sinner who took my unborn, defenceless sibling before it could come into this world, a sinner for ruining my childhood, a sinner who allowed me to watch my innocent mom, the most important person in my life, being battered......

I still remember vividly when my mom broke the good news. I was all of seven.

I was so excited. I ran out of the house to inform my neighbour Sunny. But my joy was short lived. A couple of months later my mom lost the baby in a freak accident.

My dad came home drunk one night demanded for food. My mom hadn’t finished preparing the food as she was helping me with my homework.

He came towards me, lifted the books and threw them out of the window. He caught hold of my mom's hair and dragged her into the kitchen, "who cares whether he studies or not...don’t you know I have my dinner the moment I come back.”

My mom lost her balance and fell on her stomach.

I was horrified seeing my mom on the ground. I ran towards her howling like crazy.

Mummy, Are u ok? Mom, Is the baby ok.

She was rushed to the hospital by my neighbours, but the doctor couldn’t save the baby.

This incident haunted me for months. I would wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat.

As I grew older, life seemed to be getting darker, but I continued questioning my mom hoping to get some answers to my questions.

"Why is my dad so different? He doesn’t play with me. He doesn’t sit with me and have dinner. He doesn’t advice me. He doesn’t pat me even though I stand first in class.

Why can’t he be nice to both of us?

My mom never had an answer....

My mom, on the other hand, was ever so gentle with me. She tried to put my needs before hers and heal the wound that had gone deep, but it still remained raw and painful....

As I grew older I became overly protective of my mom and very resentful of my dad. I always tried to please her and went out of my way to do those little little things that made her happy.

My mom wanted to throw a surprise party on my 16th b-day. I knew something was brewing, but I pretended ignorance lest I spoil her excitement.

The D-day arrived-the day. My mom slogged in the kitchen preparing my favourite dishes. She was all agog giving the finishing touches to her culinary skills when the door bell rang. She rushed to the door to welcome my friends. Instead she was taken aback to see my dad who came back from his official trip a day earlier.

What’s happening...?

For whom are you preparing all these delicious mouth watering stuff?

It’s my b-day dad, I muttered half heartedly.

Oh... I forgot...He didn’t bother to hug or wish me. Instead he opened the lids and smelled the contents.

What aroma!

Let me invite my friends and celebrate in your honour Ravi...

My mom tried to resist, but he called up his friends, a bunch of guys who always created drunken brawls....

They drank fast and greedily, finished all the food, and were sloshed by the time my friends landed...

There were tears running down my face as they rose from the table and shuffled to the door.

I got admission into engineering in Chennai.

I had to leave home. I was relieved and sad at the same time. The fact that I was leaving my mom behind pained me a lot, but I knew I would be happier in my new surroundings.

I met Nisha here.

She gave a new meaning to my life.

I avoided coming home during my holidays. I couldn’t explicitly tell my mom, but she never questioned me. Perhaps she knew the reason…

A tug at my shirt startled me out of my reverie…my little son was tugging at my hand.

The coffin was slowly shifted into the space dug up…

As I took some mud and threw it inside, I decided to let go off the past pain.

And then, I turned around and left the graveyard, clasping my son’s tiny fingers with one hand and gently holding my mom with the other….

For the first time, I felt much more lighter and at peace with myself.